para na tlga akong tanga dito sa mundo. im so stressed. I havent slept in days. feeling so stupid. i have this big decision i have to make within the month that is gonna change my life. Now, im pondering if either to reveal it or just keep it to myself. I made my decision but still there's still something that holds me back. The what-if's have been disturbing my mind, gaad!!! paano kung ganon? o ganon? di ba? ang hirap kase ng gantong buhay. I just feel so alone and unloved.even though my friends say that they're there for me, still i can't feel it. They are so far away from me. I love them to bits, still i miss them. Family? yeah right they dont even care hell about me, all they care about is to make my life more difficult, kumbaga wala nga silang pake pero minsan kontrabida sila. Love life? nako, hell to that! making my life more complicated than ever. Di na talaga ako makatulog ng maayos. yung as in na bago man lang matulog eh wala man lang ako iniisip na problema, hay. mas lalo na pag nasa skul ako feeling ko mag-bebreakdown ako, bakit ba kase ganto ang napasok ko? T_T siguro it's my own stupidity, ang tanga ko kaseng tao eh. I know I have the power to change my life pero still I chose to do it their way, not mine.

Everytime I walk home alone, I always walk na nakatungo at minsan napakalalim ng tinititigan, siguro nga tuluyan na atang masisira ang utak ko dahil na rin sa katangahan ko. Sometimes I thought, "paano kaya kung I did it my way?" what if i havent fall in love last year? what if kung pinagpatuloy ko exams ko ng San Beda? or what if kung pumasok ako sa Letran? what if kung i stood up for myself last year? what if I was smarter in choosing guys to love? What if kung natuloy ang plano ko na lumayas sa bahay namin? well, that hell could make a lot of difference. Siguro I would be happier. Making things perfect for my future. Mas lalo na yung tungkol sa love na yan, punyeta, siguro hindi ako masyadong ambisyosa na somebody will love me truly e di sana im happily single with no pain in my heart.

Still here I am waiting for nothing or something? gambling my life with it. Waiting for it is agony in my veins, it hurts me so badly, im badly scarred. Supposed to be this is not a major problem, but this is what i have left. Nobody really cares for me right now, kahit maglupasay pa ako wala me pakelam tlga. Sa mga lahat ng kasalanan ng mga tao sa paligid ko, oo i forgive them, kahit yung mga minamahal ko na sinaktan ako sa mga pinagagawa nila, still, pinatawad ko sila.

Ngayon, I am sick. Ilang buwan na rin nakakaraan lagi na rin ako sakitin. Last Friday, di natuloy ang karaoke session and drinking session namin with the CHS gang, pero niyaya ko naman si gelsy para maginom kame, i was really depressed at that time. Pinilit kong uminom talaga dahil yun na lang siguro ang outlet ko. The next day nagkasakit ako ng sobra.haaay, bigla tuloy ako pinauwi ng laguna, wala sa itsura ko na super sick, pero nung araw na yun para na akong babagsak sa lupa. Yung desisyon na pinag-iisipan ko still ponders my mind, i still have fears dun sa choices na hinaharap ko ngayon. Alam ko, wala na talaga ako patutunguhan. Wala akong future, i know that for sure. Im just a girl, who is unloved, stupid and worthless. I have nothing but my sadness and my music to feat.. Why can't i be for once be happy? =( di man lang naawa ang mga tao na nanakit saken. so so mats selfish T_T

* my S H A T T E R E D dreams_ 3/12/2007 08:50:00 PM