bakit ang daming tao nagkakandaloko sa pag-ibig kahit alam nila na puro sakit lang ang mararamdaman nila? I wonder. WELL ALL I CAN SAY IS THE TRUTH IS REVEALED AND I KNOW I WILL BE HAPPIER!

* my S H A T T E R E D dreams_ 3/22/2007 08:05:00 PM

punyeta... just give me one reason to live! my exams are over, but still, this feeling of melancholy has not yet faded. I hope the world still has mercy on me, maawa na sana ang mga tao at ang mundo saken, I've had enough of the lies, the hatred and the sadness. I've had enough of those, DO I DESERVE THIS? why? All my life, i've been doing what my parents planned for me, all my life, i've done everything that others want me to do. The only thing what is left of me is ME. I obeyed all of those, even suffered, but can this suffering end? if it will, i'm dying to ask when will it end.

All my life, all i had was pain and suffering, yeah right, they say I had it all, kung alam lang nila ilang dugo at luha ang pumatak dahil dito.
I just can't deal with this.

So ayun, tapos na nga exams ko. WIP! yun nga lang, CLEARANCE THE BULSHET MADERPAKER! (ika nga ni mics! XD) Kanina para na akong nabunutan ng tinik at sa wakas! tapos na ren!! PAKSHEYT!! BAKASYON NA SANA KUNG DI LANG DAHIL SA PUNYETANG CLEARANCE YAN!! Gusto ko naman magpakasaya, andami kong plano this summer. SOBRA!
eto listahan:

1. magtrabaho sa shop para magkapera
2. magbanda ulit. (yipee! namiss ko kau Mtee!)
3. magpapayat
4. mag-aral ng magdrive (kahit walang kotse! XD)
5. alagaan ang mga pamangkin na darating sa april!
6. magbakasyon sa isang malayong lugar, magenjoy
7. iimprove ang sarili ko
8. magbago ng hairstyle weee... (ika nga ni kuya, magpapa-"olandes" ng buhok!)
9. magpaganda. panget ako eh. kelangan ng matinding dasal! hahahaha!
10. at kung maari, makalipat ng skul *mas kailangan ng matinding dasal*

ayun lang naman as of now ang plano ko, baka magbago pa yan. :)) so ayun.

bwisit talaga tong buhay ko, naasar na ako. PRAMIS! gsto ko na tlga mawala sa mundo! sana pagbalik ko at sana sa pagtapos ng bakasyon, MAGIMPROVE KAHIT PAPANO! ayoko ng maging malungkot. Ayoko na maging tanga, pagod na ako ng kakaiyak at kakaisip sa mga problema ko. Sana sa darating na bakasyon sumaya ako. tama na tlga.

sa sobrang kalungkutan, grabe napuno ang buong notebook ko na puro tula kaya nawalan na ang space ang Theology at english notebooks ko :)) Baka yung mga tula at mga kanta ko na naisulat ko eh itugtog at lagyan ng tono.

hay, pagod na ako malungkot. pagod na ako. pramis. gusto k naman sumaya. kahit isang beses lang.

* my S H A T T E R E D dreams_ 3/20/2007 02:54:00 PM

para na tlga akong tanga dito sa mundo. im so stressed. I havent slept in days. feeling so stupid. i have this big decision i have to make within the month that is gonna change my life. Now, im pondering if either to reveal it or just keep it to myself. I made my decision but still there's still something that holds me back. The what-if's have been disturbing my mind, gaad!!! paano kung ganon? o ganon? di ba? ang hirap kase ng gantong buhay. I just feel so alone and unloved.even though my friends say that they're there for me, still i can't feel it. They are so far away from me. I love them to bits, still i miss them. Family? yeah right they dont even care hell about me, all they care about is to make my life more difficult, kumbaga wala nga silang pake pero minsan kontrabida sila. Love life? nako, hell to that! making my life more complicated than ever. Di na talaga ako makatulog ng maayos. yung as in na bago man lang matulog eh wala man lang ako iniisip na problema, hay. mas lalo na pag nasa skul ako feeling ko mag-bebreakdown ako, bakit ba kase ganto ang napasok ko? T_T siguro it's my own stupidity, ang tanga ko kaseng tao eh. I know I have the power to change my life pero still I chose to do it their way, not mine.

Everytime I walk home alone, I always walk na nakatungo at minsan napakalalim ng tinititigan, siguro nga tuluyan na atang masisira ang utak ko dahil na rin sa katangahan ko. Sometimes I thought, "paano kaya kung I did it my way?" what if i havent fall in love last year? what if kung pinagpatuloy ko exams ko ng San Beda? or what if kung pumasok ako sa Letran? what if kung i stood up for myself last year? what if I was smarter in choosing guys to love? What if kung natuloy ang plano ko na lumayas sa bahay namin? well, that hell could make a lot of difference. Siguro I would be happier. Making things perfect for my future. Mas lalo na yung tungkol sa love na yan, punyeta, siguro hindi ako masyadong ambisyosa na somebody will love me truly e di sana im happily single with no pain in my heart.

Still here I am waiting for nothing or something? gambling my life with it. Waiting for it is agony in my veins, it hurts me so badly, im badly scarred. Supposed to be this is not a major problem, but this is what i have left. Nobody really cares for me right now, kahit maglupasay pa ako wala me pakelam tlga. Sa mga lahat ng kasalanan ng mga tao sa paligid ko, oo i forgive them, kahit yung mga minamahal ko na sinaktan ako sa mga pinagagawa nila, still, pinatawad ko sila.

Ngayon, I am sick. Ilang buwan na rin nakakaraan lagi na rin ako sakitin. Last Friday, di natuloy ang karaoke session and drinking session namin with the CHS gang, pero niyaya ko naman si gelsy para maginom kame, i was really depressed at that time. Pinilit kong uminom talaga dahil yun na lang siguro ang outlet ko. The next day nagkasakit ako ng sobra.haaay, bigla tuloy ako pinauwi ng laguna, wala sa itsura ko na super sick, pero nung araw na yun para na akong babagsak sa lupa. Yung desisyon na pinag-iisipan ko still ponders my mind, i still have fears dun sa choices na hinaharap ko ngayon. Alam ko, wala na talaga ako patutunguhan. Wala akong future, i know that for sure. Im just a girl, who is unloved, stupid and worthless. I have nothing but my sadness and my music to feat.. Why can't i be for once be happy? =( di man lang naawa ang mga tao na nanakit saken. so so mats selfish T_T

* my S H A T T E R E D dreams_ 3/12/2007 08:50:00 PM

pota. march na nga. 20 days to go im leavin! hahahaha! just kidding. demmit im so busy and a lot of things happened to me in the past few days, been pissed, happy and all that crap. MAN! i hate my life. Im really PISSED! haha! i hate myself. Im really stupid. I am nothing. The world is picking on me, im alone... yeah yeah. drama pa tae! haha! ang gagO! 2nd year college na ako?! WTF?! I SURVIVED! hahahaha!

waw! nabalitaan ko na uuwi ang sister ko! yey!! after 10 years there, uuwi na ren sya sa wakas! demmit! excited na ako mag-april. :) saya ng buhay. Man!!! haha!
hay, from now on i will love myself. I'll try. Im tired of being stupid.. tangina.. it feels worthless, im really glad that my sister is coming home. well, eto na ata yung hinihintay kong moment. =\

CURRENT ADDICTION: CHIODOS! I just can't get this song out of my head!!
"The Lover And The Liar"
[Whispers if you play backwards:]
How does it feel to know that you've taken someone's smile
We're on a search to find the feeling for which we all die
It appeared the answer to the problem
And a reason to smile
Two lost hearts and one caught in the middle
They came together and the other fell apart
It appeared the answer to the problem
I have no reason to smile
The connection... eyes meeting
Lips touching... screaming "Sweet sayonara"
And the other gracious sounds of Claudio
Sweat, spit, and tears exchanged alike
Mistakes made and forgiveness but the eyes still met
And the lover still loved and the liar still lied
Then came the downfall to one's heaven stuck in a world where nothing is beautiful
The nail was in the coffin...it hadn’t been buried yet
Nothing but an open casket for him to kneel and weep
(A lover and liar the pain finally stopping for him to try and take his own life)
(And the blood of a body that was once so pure)I
t's come together, it's time to change what the script reads
There's no such thing as happy endings
This masterpiece is finally ending slowly
Microphone psychiatry...good-bye for good
It's come together, it's time to change what the script reads
There's no such thing as happy endings
This masterpiece is finally ending slowlyMicrophone psychiatry...Two lost hearts and one caught in the middle
They came together and the other fell apart
It appeared the answer to the problem
I have no reason to smile
Cravings fulfilled hate on oneself...good-bye for good



oh! oh! by the way, i just took this picture when I was in Cubao. :)) angkulet. DRIVED daw eh! mangiyak!


* my S H A T T E R E D dreams_ 3/02/2007 10:23:00 PM